Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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