Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
