I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
People in love make me want to vomit
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize