i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
