what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
