i'm signing you up for texting rehab
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
