in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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