i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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