I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
