dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
it was like eating out sand paper
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
