I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
