yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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