I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
