No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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