What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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