i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
