that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
