he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
