i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
