Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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