you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize