somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
