Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
