I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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