Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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