my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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