Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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