Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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