after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
