Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
