Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
