Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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