i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize