I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
