I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
