Too much gin, very little bucket
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
