somebody snuck up and got me drunk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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