She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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