I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
