If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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