Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize