She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
