Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
