I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
