I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
