D3 body, D1 cock
Soap is not a condiment
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
