I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
