"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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