remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
