clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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