somebody snuck up and got me drunk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
