the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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