oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
