im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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