I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
