I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
