Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize