chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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