apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
