thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
