I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
