I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
