you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
