Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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