He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
