Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
