Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
